Things I’d rather do than send my kid to school unmasked

“If we send children to school without masks, we increase their risk of acquiring Covid-19. Some could suffer illness or die.” New York Times

“We know who you are. We will find you.” Anti-masking parent at a school board meeting in Tennessee that turned violent.

With the looming threat of the Delta variant and millions of unvaccinated and, in some places, unmasked children returning to full-time, full capacity in-person learning, here are some activities I would rather my child participate in than risking a near-certain, potentially serious Covid-19 infection.

· Tornado chasing: The thrill of chasing a giant twirling pile of air is heightened only by the realization that it could kill you. Infants and toddlers especially love the activity, as the motion of the tornado is reminiscent of the spinning tops they so enjoy. Bonus if you spot unique household objects in the swirl, including leopard-patterned La-Z-Boys’, neon leggings or my Aunt Patricia who uses enough Aquanet in her hair to withstand hurricane-force winds.

· Out-swim the shark: The ocean is big. What are the odds the kid will get eaten by a shark? The fin poking out of the water way out there? I mean, I have to squint to see it. It could be a dolphin or a narwhal or a fisherman wearing a shark hat. This activity is the perfect way to test out your kid’s swim lessons last summer at the Y. Bonus points if the kid has an open wound, even a paper cut should do, as sharks can smell blood in the water up to two miles away.

· Spot the rot: There is something in the fridge that stinks. The kids are the perfect guinea pigs to try a bite of each item in the fridge. The game ends when a kid gags or shows early signs of food poisoning.

· Salmonella roulette: Similar to the fridge game, but entering into a higher risk profile, this activity involves your child licking a smorgasbord of raw or undercooked food items, not limited to beef, chicken, eggs and the fresh liver of an unvaccinated person who thought Covid-19 was created by former President Bill Clinton in efforts to distract from how likable Monica Lewinsky has become.

· Poking their eyes out with a warm spoon: This activity takes up a surprisingly longer amount of time than you might think, which introduces the added benefit of allowing you to watch your daytime soap operas and complete dinner prep while they are fully engaged in the gruesome act of trying to dislodge an eyeball with a spoon that’s lightly warmed in the microwave. Note, do not microwave for more than 15 seconds, less you have a second crisis on your hands.

· Playing in traffic: I mean, that’s what I did as a kid growing up in New York City. I’m still alive.

· Knife juggling: I would literally rather my child juggle with knives, even if they aren’t mere butter knives, than walk into a poorly ventilated school building with hordes of snotty, mask-less small humans. Add a squirt of ketchup to the tips of the knives before beginning for added effect.